just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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