i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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