I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
