he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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