if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
