i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
