im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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