I just pynch a tree in the face
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
