I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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