omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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