God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
