My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
whose ass print is on the piano?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize