i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
