i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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