The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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