had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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