so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
