haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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