Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Randomize
