Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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