So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
