Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize