i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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