Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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