Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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