Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
