a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
