I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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