i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize