I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
