no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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