so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
