allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
