i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
