Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
