at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
