nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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