I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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