he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize