I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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