it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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