my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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