My liver just broke up with me...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
