In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
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