Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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