It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
