i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
