This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
