You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
