Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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