$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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