I wish I could teleport
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
