I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize