I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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