my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
