i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
