He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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