apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
