looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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