Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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