Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
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